OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
