i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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