DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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