Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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