He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You took a bar mat shot.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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