She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
