If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
