weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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