i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
