I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
