Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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