You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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