In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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