I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
