So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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