you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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