im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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