i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
