Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
