Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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