alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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