So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
