I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
