good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
