i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Girls should come with a carfax report
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
