she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
