Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
