I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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