The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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