I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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