Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
