getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
