his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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