If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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