I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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