I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
