before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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