Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
