so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
