how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
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