I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
