I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
