I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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