When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
