the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
