did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize