just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
