i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
