dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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