the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
my being single is dangerous.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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