alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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