Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
