There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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