when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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