he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
