I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
