areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
