I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
